Ben: Is it weird that I bring water crackers and brie with me when I go fishing in case I catch one that's pregnant?

Cliff: I do the same thing when I go to bars.

That's cruel, man - you know preggos shouldn't be eating non-pasteurized cheese.

Chris, the politically correct term is breeders.

Breeders? I know not of what you speak.

It's when your belly begins to approximate a cannonball.

Breeders aren't preggos, breeders are what the folks who 'play for the other team' call the rest of us.

Jen -- I hear tell that T.S. Elliott has written a poem about your womb.

And Ernest Hemingway a short story.

Am I the only one who caught the brilliance of this Sedism?

I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my uterus rolled.

Mike, put yourself in the Sed's greatest hits thread now.

Ohhhhhh. I see what U did there.

I'm glad someone else got that joke!

I didn't!

It is always okay to use your uterus as a doorstop for penis. Never anything wrong with that.

somebody just sent a text to my neighbor's cell phone by mistake. The message read:

Yes, but I don't know if the restraints will fit the monkey.

w.t.f. over?

That's great. I think I'm going to start texting that to random wrong numbers, and see what happens.

Cliff: You know how opposums have a forked penis and they stab you in the back of the neck with it and pilot you around the forest?

People piloted by 'possums? Preposterous!

Cliff: That reminds me of the time I slept with hat Rabbit. What's his name? Bugs Bunny.

Ben: You slept with Bugs Bunny? You should get tested.

Cliff: I should get tested for wabies.

Be: <shoots water through nose>

Joe: So it would take 4,000 cubic feet to fill my pool.

Jerimiah: Wait -- How many human feet would it take to fill your pool?

Joe: No, cubic feet. Actually, 4010 cubic feet.

Cliff: So, that's like 2005 Cubans.

Joe: Cubic feet.

Jerimiah: Pubic feet?

Admin person: I've heard enough. You are so full of shit, you're an enema away from being buried in a shoe box.

Ben: Have you ever peed on someone from a really high place.

Cliff: Yes! That's so funny.

Cliff: By the way, tell your mom I said "Hi."

...and she was pissed off for a week because she thought FYI meant Fuck you, Idiot!

It doesn't? I've got several e-mails to students to rewrite.

Has that worthless bitch found a job yet? One that doesn't require her brushing her teeth with Lavoris at the end of a shift?

Lady in elevator: *holds up Victoria's Secret bag* Here, let me show you what I got. It's for a bachelor party this weekend. *pulls out off-white underwear*


Either this woman moonlights as a stripper, or something was lost in the verbal shuffle.

On of my co-workers has been wearing her hair up in two little balls on the back of her head the past two days.

Cliff: So is this new Mini-Mouse thing intentional?

T: I'm supposed to be a Teddy Bear, all cute and cuddly.

Cliff: Wow. I would fuck the living shit out of you. <--- Not actually said!

Cliff: That works too. <--- For once, prudence wins out!

Who's Prudence? Is she hot?

Click to view attachment

Tim: Man, that chick creeps me out. She walks all weird.

Me: She's got MS, you fucking maniac! What is wrong with you?

Tim: *pause* Oh. *pause* I hope she doesn't sneeze on me.

Jaime: Yep, it's official. She got peed on.

Me: She got peed on? Awesome.

Dave: It's as hot as a buttnut in here.

Me: WHAT. THE. HELL.

Dave: You never heard of a buttnut before?

Me: No.

Dave: Think about it.

Me: I'm not so sure I want to.

I share an office with such whack jobs, but I love them all the same. They keep the workday interesting.

[walking back from company cafe]

Sarah: That sandwich looks good.

Me: Thanks. I certainly hope it is!

Sarah: I scratched my hand on the door this morning.

Me: Great!

I love Sarah, but she is a fucking dolt.

This exchange reminds me of something Ralph Wiggum would say.

My cat's name is Mittens!

Exactly! I swear she is Ralph.

This sandwich tastes like burning!

Ben: [Hits bowl with finger, making a noise like a fog bouy]
Cliff: That reminds me of the time I fucked a lobster boat.
Jerimiah: You fucked a lobster.
Cliff: Boat. A lobster boat. Who fucks a lobster?


Also


Ben: I like eating foods that don't go bad for 50 years. That way you know it's fresh.
Cliff: Unless it was manufactured 51 years ago.
Ben: True.
Cliff: That's why it's never a good idea to buy food at the antique store.

JD: And Jim, what are your long term plans here?

Me: I wanna sit in this here chair and eat until I can't get out of it anymore.

Fred: That reminds me, falafel cart for lunch?

Me: No, I'll just have the sandwich.

Jerimiah, while typing a note on his iPhone: Get... Cliff... back... for... jarsquatter... incident.

Company VP (not as quietly or discretely as he should have) to coworker on other side of my cube wall: Dude. The exhaust fan in the men's room is tied to the light switch. We're trying to conserve electricity, but don't EVER leave a stink bomb in the dark. Again.

Is it sad that I had Ronnie James Dio cue-up in my head when he said that?

That makes 2 of us.

Awesome, A STINKBOMB IN THE DARK!

IMing with coworker

coworker: ever hear of filestube.com?

me: no but i've heard of tubesteak.com

coworker: dude

coworker: that was not cool

Me: Read the 'Overheard at the office' thread on Rangerland

Coworker: WTF, I don't get most of it

Me: Me neither

Coworker: We're too damn old

Ben: For lunch today I had a salad and Spanish sheep-cheese.

Cliff: Really? I had wilted greens and a plate of Bolivian smegma.

Black men just don't make good husbands...

“The cat kept hitting my feet. They didn’t tell me the cat didn’t like sandals.”